Trauma-Informed Services Available Worldwide
10 Unhelpful Christian Responses to Narcissistic Abuse: What to Say and Do Instead
Coaching and Counseling Available via Phone or Video Chat.
For those who want a Christ-centered approach, I offer Christian counseling.
By: Bonnie Ronstrom
Certified Life Coach, Victim's Advocate, and Pastoral Counselor
When a victim of emotional or narcissistic abuse seeks support, most people want to help. With good intentions, though, uninformed Christian responses to narcissistic abuse can significantly increase a victim’s suffering. Here are ten common responses to avoid, and better ways to respond with insight and compassion.
1. "You Need to Go to Marriage Counseling."
“Get marriage counseling” is often the first response Christians give to victims of emotional abuse. The goal of marriage counseling is to help a couple work together to build a mutually beneficial, functional relationship. An abusive individual with narcissistic traits lacks the foundational capacities required to build a healthy relationship with anyone.
Before someone can run a three-legged race, they must know how to walk, run, and tolerate being tied to another person. No matter how athletic, a toddler can’t be taught to run a three-legged race, because their development hasn’t reached the point of coordinating with someone else. In the same way, a narcissist’s stunted emotional development prevents them from truly working together with a spouse.
That lack of development makes marriage counseling ineffective, and it will likely retraumatize the victim. The counseling office isn’t immune to the abuser’s manipulation. Emotional abuse by a covert abuser is often invisible to everyone but the victim, and in research on survivors’ experiences, people described professionals as naive and easily charmed by the narcissist. Even counselors who specialize in covert abuse can be fooled. What the abuser learns in session can later be used to punish, manipulate, and control their spouse. What should be a safe space for the victim becomes a harmful one.
Survivors often find that well-intentioned Christian friends, family members, and spiritual leaders relentlessly pressure them toward marriage counseling. When they resist, they may be accused of being unwilling to forgive or do their part. Naturally, they feel ashamed, judged, and helpless to explain that they’re protecting themselves.
For more on why even sound relationship advice backfires in these situations, read Why Sound Relationship Advice Fails Narcissistic Abuse Survivors. If the pressure is coming from church leadership, see The Hidden Risks of Counseling at Your Church for Narcissistic Abuse.
A helpful response is to support a victim’s need to seek safe, individual healing resources.
2. "You Must Stay in the Marriage to Show You Believe God Can Change Anyone."
When a victim leaves and limits or ends contact, some Christians believe the victim is ruling out any possibility of God changing their abuser. Some even blame the victim for robbing their spouse of the hope they need to change. A victim leaving doesn’t prevent an abusive spouse from doing the work of change.
The point of no contact is to stop the abuse so the victim can move out of survival mode and begin to heal. They are leaving a battlefield where they are continually wounded and finding a safe place to recover.
"Leaving doesn't stop an abuser from changing. It stops the abuse." — Bonnie Ronstrom, Willow Life
A helpful response is to support a victim’s decision to limit or end contact. Don’t question their faith or obedience to God because they aren’t in touch with their abuser.
3. "Are You Sure It Was Abuse? I've Never Seen Them Be Abusive."
Many victims report that other Christians still minimize emotional abuse and respond to it differently than they would to physical abuse. Some victims face intense questioning aimed at shrinking what happened:
- “You were just scared and thought something might happen, right?”
- “Do you think they knew you were frightened?”
- “They’ve never laid a hand on you, have they?”
Victims have usually spent a long time minimizing and rationalizing the abuse themselves. Once they’ve accepted it as abuse, asking them to spend their limited energy proving it to you, in hopes of getting the comfort and protection they desperately need, only adds to the harm.
A helpful response is to believe them, and respond as you would if their spouse had punched them in the face repeatedly.
4. "You Need to Be Honest and Communicate Clearly With Them."
This message tells victims that their failure to be open, honest, and articulate is causing the abuse. One of an emotional abuser’s favorite tactics is to flip the script, casting themselves as the victim of a spouse who is unfair, unclear, or confusing. They tell others, “They blindsided me. I’m in the dark. They just left without telling me anything.” These are manipulations designed to convince others that the abuser is helpless and mistreated.
In reality, victims have spent enormous energy explaining to the abuser why their behavior is harmful. They’ve faced threats, psychological warfare, and berating for their efforts. Their spouse has heard them. The spouse shifts blame instead of changing. Meaningful communication isn’t possible with someone whose goal isn’t to understand or change, no matter how adamantly they claim it is.
A helpful response is to let the victim know you understand how manipulators paint themselves as helpless victims, and that you don’t buy into that narrative. Each of us is responsible for addressing our own destructive behavior.
5. "If You Work Harder to Meet Their Needs, They Won't Get So Frustrated."
Family, friends, and even some counselors tell victims that discovering and meeting their spouse’s needs is the key to stopping the abuse. The theory is that if the abusive spouse’s needs are met, they won’t resort to abuse. This might help temporarily, but it can make the abuse worse over time. Pastors and counselors working with the abuser may believe their methods are working, which can give the victim a false sense of security and lead them back into a vulnerable position.
The changes won’t last, because the foundational issues driving the abuse haven’t changed. Even the “nice” behavior harms the victim, because it serves a manipulative purpose, and the victim will feel duped and betrayed again. When the abuse resumes, outsiders may join the abuser in blaming the victim for not continuing to meet their responsibilities.
Gaslighting, projection, manipulation, and devaluation aren’t caused by the dynamics of the relationship. They come from the abuser’s own foundational deficits. The abuser wants everyone to believe that if their spouse stopped upsetting them and met their needs better, the abuse would stop. It won’t. A victim doesn’t make their spouse abuse them, and even if they meet every need, the abuse will continue.
A helpful response is to believe the victim when they say they’ve tried everything possible. You can remind them that narcissistic abusers have a bottomless well no one can fill. Until they recognize their need for God to heal and fill them, they will search relentlessly for something no human can provide.
6. "Don't Let Unforgiveness and Bitterness Stand in the Way of God Restoring Your Marriage."
Spiritual narcissists work relentlessly to appear humble, broken, forgiving, and willing to change. Religious abusers are known for statements like, “I’m just a broken, humbled sinner in need of a Savior. Aren’t we all? Thank the Lord for His boundless grace that accepts even the worst of sinners, of whom I am the greatest. I love my spouse and stand waiting with open arms and a heart of forgiveness.” Scripture, song lyrics, lengthy prayers, and Christian clichés are used to convince others they’re sincere. Sadly, it often works.
They may even admit to some mistakes or ask for prayer that God will change them. The goal, though, is usually not change or mutual reconciliation. It’s getting their spouse back under their control.
The cycle of love bombing, devaluing, and withholding has likely played out many times, and the victim now sees through the dramatic displays of affection, the crocodile tears, and the sudden flurry of good deeds. A victim’s refusal to “work it out” doesn’t mean unforgiveness or bitterness. It often means they finally recognize the cycle. Christianity Today has documented how pressure toward forgiveness and reconciliation has deeply harmed abuse victims in Christian counseling settings.
A helpful response is to let God work with them on forgiveness in His time. Especially after leaving a spiritual narcissist, a victim’s understanding of love, forgiveness, and trust is tangled up with the abuse. We may want them to forgive or move on to ease our own discomfort. Instead, encourage them to focus on protecting themselves so they can continue to heal.
7. "Marriage Is a Reflection of Christ and the Church."
This is rarely said so bluntly, but some Christians use this reasoning to shame victims who leave an abusive spouse. A narcissistic abuser broke the marriage covenant from the beginning by neglecting their spouse emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Instead of loving and honoring them, they used manipulation and control to force their spouse to place them above everything, even God, to feed an insatiable need for attention, control, power, and admiration.
A marriage to a narcissistic abuser doesn’t reflect how Christ loves the church, even if it took years for the abuse to be recognized.
"God doesn't need anyone to stay in a destructive relationship to protect His reputation. When He chooses, He is more than capable of protecting it."
— Bonnie Ronstrom, Willow Life
A helpful response is to remind the victim that God does not need them to stay in a destructive relationship to protect His reputation.
8. "You Must Submit to Your Husband's Leadership."
Both male and female emotional abusers demand an idolatrous level of devotion and expect their spouse to supply their sense of value and importance. When a spouse can’t meet this God-sized task, they’re punished through withheld attention, respect, affection, or money. No amount of devotion or obedience is enough to fill the void.
God calls us to place Him first and all other relationships second. Bowing to an idol is sin, even when the one demanding worship is a spouse. For more on how words like “submission” get twisted to control, read The Twisted Dictionary of the Narcissistic Christian Family.
A helpful response is to remind the victim how pleased God is when we place Him above all else. Choosing God over a spouse’s sinful demands, or over what friends and family want, is a beautiful act of worship.
9. "Give Your Spouse a List of Exactly What They Need to Change."
In marital struggles that don’t involve abuse, it can help for each spouse to write down what they think needs to change. An abuser, however, uses a list like that as a script for appearing changed.
“Spiritual” narcissists use religious activity to convince others they’re changing: a care group, a few counseling sessions, religious posts on social media, or a “come to Jesus” moment. If they declare themselves changed after a short time, that’s a sure sign the manipulation continues. Once the victim believes the changes and is back under their control, the changes disappear, and the abuse often escalates.
That’s why it’s unwise for victims to give a narcissistic abuser, or anyone close to them, a list of exactly what needs to change. A counselor skilled in working with abusers can identify the deeper deficits. It isn’t the spouse’s job to diagnose those deficits or teach basic relational skills that most people learn in childhood.
Here are a few signs that genuine change may be beginning:
- They tell others that their spouse made a wise, godly choice to leave and protect themselves.
- They don’t look to their spouse to help with their own healing.
- They respect and honor the boundaries their spouse has set.
- They pay an equitable share of mutual debts and expenses, with no strings attached.
- Instead of building a fan club, they focus on their work and their own healing.
- They admit to deeply entrenched patterns of destructive behavior instead of blaming trauma or addiction for everything.
- They aren’t running a smear campaign that splits family, friends, and church.
- They want their spouse to have strong relationships with family, friends, and church, and they don’t sabotage those relationships.
- If they’re able, they pay for the care their spouse needs to recover from the harm they caused.
Real change like this takes years, not weeks. Why Sound Relationship Advice Fails Narcissistic Abuse Survivors explains why.
A helpful response is to remind the victim what genuine change looks like over time, and to encourage them to stay invested in their own healing.
10. "I Just Want You to Know I'm Not Taking Sides."
When it comes to abuse, refusing to take a side is siding with the abuse. It tells the victim you don’t believe them, or that the abuse isn’t serious. As Christians, we can feel rather saintly staying neutral. Declaring that we’re “not being judgmental” or “extending grace” lets us feel better while avoiding the abuse itself.
Psalm 94:16 asks, “Who will rise up for me against the wicked? Who will stand for me against those who practice iniquity?” The Bible teaches us to stand firm against evil and sin, and abuse is both.
Proverbs 31:8–9
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.”
John 3:20–21
“All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants.”
Standing with the victim serves both the abused and the abuser. Feeding an abuser’s belief that they can do as they please without consequences supports their destructive path, and that isn’t loving at all.
"When it comes to abuse, refusing to take a side is siding with the abuse." — Bonnie Ronstrom, Willow Life
Because abusers flip the script, it can be hard to tell who the abusive spouse is, especially when both claim to be the victim. After years of abuse, some victims develop reactions such as anger, depression, self-harm, addiction, or infidelity, which can lead people to wrongly conclude the victim is the abuser. Abusers are delighted to showcase those reactions to draw attention away from their own behavior. For more on how this works, read Unmasking a Covert Christian Narcissist.
Being a victim doesn’t excuse sinful reactions to abuse, and it doesn’t mean the victim has nothing to work on. It does mean the victim isn’t the abuser.
Matthew 25:40 says, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”
Being on the wrong side of truth is spiritually dangerous. If we side with sin, even unintentionally, we further harm victims, and that isn’t how God wants us to represent His character. If each spouse claims to be the victim, humbly pray for discernment and seek guidance from someone skilled at identifying covert abuse. It’s devastating to realize later that you added to a victim’s wounds by unknowingly taking the abuser’s side.
"It doesn't take two to tango when one is an abuser." — Bonnie Ronstrom, Willow Life
A helpful response is to protect the victim by refusing to take part in any victim blaming or shaming. It doesn’t take two to tango when one is an abuser. This doesn’t mean the victim is without fault or has nothing to address. It means they aren’t at fault for the abuse, and they aren’t responsible for making it stop.
Manipulators try to use everyone around them for their own purposes. Staying in close relationship with both the abuser and the victim can put the victim in traumatizing and even dangerous situations.
These misguided responses don’t just fail to help. They often reinforce the abuser’s power and keep the victim trapped in shame, confusion, and isolation. As Christians, we are called to stand with the oppressed, not to protect appearances or reputations at the expense of truth.
A Final Word for the One Who Has Been Hurt
If you’re reading this because you’re the one who has been mistreated, manipulated, or made to feel invisible, I want to speak to you directly. This article was written to help others understand what not to say or do, but many survivors find these words while searching for confirmation of what they already suspect. If that’s you: you are not crazy, selfish, unforgiving, or weak for needing space, safety, and truth. You are wise to question whether the “support” you’re receiving is actually helping you heal.
Many Christian responses to narcissistic abuse feel spiritual but are deeply out of step with God’s heart for justice and mercy. When the people around you offer pressure instead of peace, advice instead of presence, or blame instead of belief, your healing can be delayed. It isn’t enough to have people who mean well. You need people who are safe, clear, and rooted in truth.
Is Your Support System Helping You Heal?
Use this checklist to assess whether your circle is supporting your healing or unknowingly adding to your wounds. The more “yes” answers, the more likely you’re surrounded by support that helps you move toward wholeness.
Ask yourself: Are the people supporting me…
- Believing me without requiring me to prove or relive my pain?
- Encouraging me to prioritize safety over image, pressure, or premature reconciliation?
- Refraining from pushing marriage counseling when abuse is present?
- Supporting my boundaries instead of labeling them bitterness, rebellion, or unforgiveness?
- Refusing to spiritualize submission in ways that enable idolatry or control?
- Valuing my healing over the comfort of others or appearances?
- Avoiding neutrality that feels like betrayal (“I’m not taking sides”)?
- Protecting me from my abuser’s attempts to manipulate or triangulate them?
- Naming the abuse for what it is, without minimizing or reframing it?
- Avoiding spiritual clichés or pressure to forgive before I’m ready or safe?
- Encouraging me to get trauma-informed support for myself?
- Respecting my “no” without questioning my faith or obedience?
- Refusing to relay messages or act as go-betweens for the abuser?
- Avoiding telling me how to respond without understanding the full context?
- Willing to name hard truths about the abuser’s behavior, even when it’s uncomfortable?
- Recognizing that narcissistic abuse is often covert and hard to detect?
- Offering practical help without strings, judgment, or theological lectures?
- Honoring the complexity of my situation instead of offering oversimplified fixes?
- Supporting my autonomy, timing, and spiritual discernment?
- Helping me grow in clarity, peace, and confidence rather than confusion, fear, or false guilt?
If you answered “no” to many of these, it may be time to reconsider whose voices you allow into your healing. Christian responses to narcissistic abuse should reflect the heart of Christ, truthful, just, and tender toward the wounded, not the comfort of those unwilling to face evil. You deserve support that helps you heal, not pressure that pushes you back into harm.
What Helps Instead
Support that helps starts from the truth, not from the hope that things will work out if everyone just tries harder. That means people who believe you, protect your safety, and respect your pace, along with help from someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse and understands how it plays out in Christian marriages, families, and churches. For more on finding that kind of help, read How to Find a Christian Counselor for Narcissistic Abuse. If your church is pressing for marriage counseling, The Hidden Risks of Counseling at Your Church for Narcissistic Abuse may help. If you’re a friend, family member, or church leader who wants to respond well, read How to Support Someone Hurt by Spiritual Abuse.
If you’re weighed down by pressure, doubt, or well-meaning advice that keeps making things worse, you don’t have to sort it out alone. I provide specialized, trauma-sensitive Christian counseling for narcissistic abuse to help you gain clarity on what’s happening, navigate the pressure around you, and heal at your own pace. For those who want it, faith is part of the conversation, treated with care and never used against you. I work with English-speaking adults worldwide by phone or video.
Book a free consultation to explore if we are a good fit to work together.
Working Together
To learn more about how I work, who I work with, what you can expect, policies and procedures, and how to choose the type of support you need, visit the Frequently Asked Questions page. For rates and booking, visit the Rates page.
Find The Specialized Support That Fits Your Needs
Want To Learn More?
Want to a quiz? Here are some options.
Willow Life Coaching and Counseling, LLC does not provide medical care. If you are in need of care for a medical or psychiatric condition, please consult a licensed medical provider. If you are having an emergency, call 911. For a mental health crisis, call or text 988.
Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.